Remember the good old days when big sweaty bald men would go into a conference room and do a business deal? Back then, it could get ugly in there. Men have no problem making well-placed threats, screwing each other over whenever possible, etc. It’s all in the name of business. That’s why there are so many attorneys out there… men figured out the best way to pull one over on somebody was to have an attorney do the paperwork.

Those days are gone.

Now we have women in business. Before you accuse me of being sexist, let me make this clear. I am sexist when it comes to women in business. I’m not saying women shouldn’t be allowed to have all of the same business accolades as men, I’m just saying that having a woman run a department or a company makes life miserable for everyone around them.

That’s because women care about crap. They think it’s important that everyone feel good about everything. And when they don’t get their way, they use emotional blackmail and manipulation.

You may say I’m unfairly stereotyping, but I assure you, it’s well deserved.

Ask anybody you know… NONE of them want to work for a woman… not even the women.

Let me play these two sample business negotiation stories by you, both of which are true, and you decide what was better business:

Negotiation One

Man 1: We’ve decided to take work away from you and split it with another factory.
Man 2: That’s an excellent idea, except that it’s completely in violation of our contract and I will sue the bejeezus out of you.
Man 1: What contract?
Man 2: The contract that was signed 10 years ago between our companies that you never bothered to read.
Man 1: Let me see that! WTF?
Man 2: Here you go, read it and weep, bub.
Man 1: Dammit. You’re right, I can’t take work away. Son of a gun. How can you make me feel better about having all of the work in your factory?
Man 2: We’ll be happy to put in any safeguards you would like us to, assuming you pay for them.
Man 1: You’re screwing me, dude!
Man 2: I know.
Man 1: Ok, it’s a deal.

Negotiation Two

Woman: We need you to lower the prices of your products.
Man: Actually, our prices are in line with our contract, down to about 10 decimals.
Woman: But your price increase isn’t fair… the economy is down, it was like a slap in the face when I saw it.
Man: Actually, it’s completely fair because the price increase mechanism is built into the contract and occurs automatically each year.
Woman: If you don’t lower your prices, our purchase volume is going to go down.
Man: So you’re saying if I don’t lower my prices in violation of the contract you’re going to sell less of our product, a product on which you put a 400% markup?
Woman: This economy is really bad, and you’re just being rude.
Man: What about this is rude?
Woman: I’m really started to get angry now.
Man: What is your company willing to do to make it worth my while to lower my prices?
Woman: Nothing. Lower your prices or the volume’s going down.
Man: That doesn’t make sense, because we sell our product to you for $2,500 and you sell it for $10,000, and we do all the work…
Woman: You need to take some time to think about it. I’m too frustrated with you to talk anymore today.

As I said before, both stories are true stories. In both cases, one party wanted something, but the contract didn’t allow it. The man accepted his contractually obligated fate, and the woman tried to blackmail and emotionally manipulate the other party into giving her what she wanted.

I’ve observed this kind of boobish behavior (no pun intended) on a very regular basis.

So ladies, if you can’t keep your emotions in check during business conversations, why don’t you go ahead and stay home and cook.

End Sexist Post

Since I started dating Jenna, I’ve been overtly hit on by three other women. Keep in mind that I don’t go to bars or clubs. Ever.

By overtly, I mean phrases like “So, would you like to go out.” Not subtle.

The first was a sales gal who was trying to sell me stuff, so you could potentially chalk that up to “trying to make the sale.” Although it was pretty overt, like “Let’s go out drinking on Saturday.”

The most recent was a girl from school. I’ve seen her and been in classes with her for the last 6 years, but I’d never spoken to her before. We chatted for about 15 minutes, and then she asked me out.

I really don’t feel like I’m behaving any differently than I was before. I don’t walk around with a particularly “confident” air, I don’t think.

Jenna thinks it’s because I no longer “size up” a girl to see if she’s dateable when I meet girls now… and girls can sense that I haven’t made a “judgment.”

The wise Judd once told me “shy is a %@#$ cologne” and he was right. But what changed, and how did I not notice it?

Pete

My cousin Matt was getting married (to a girl named Jenna I might add), and the wedding was in Iowa. Iowa is not the most exciting place on earth, but it was a family gathering, so Jenna and I made the drive Saturday morning.

We got there just in the nick of time, the service was beautiful, and Matt is now officially married. The reception was a couple hours later. It was a big reception, and far too many people there to actually talk to the bride and groom. The Lucas family sat at the very back and entertained ourselves since there were 15 of us and about 250 of the bride’s family.

I promptly got very ill, and I toughed it out for a couple of hours before I finally couldn’t take it anymore. Jenna and I headed back to the hotel to watch TV and be ill. Jenna promptly fell asleep, so I was entertaining myself with Maximum Exposure (a great show for guys) when I heard knocking on the door. I jumped up thinking it was my brother, and when I opened the door…

…there was a VERY drunk blonde in a DANGEROUSLY low-cut party dress. She was leaning against the doorframe doing the drunk wobbly leg dance. I asked her if she was lost, and she said (and I quote) “Hhh Hi baby. I dosnt think… ish thiz my room?”

I told her she was in the wrong place, and then asked if I could help her find her room. To this, she replied “thanksh baby… yerz sweet.” At this point I expected I would walk her down to the front desk and see if they knew where she went. However, she had different plans, and she promptly let go of the door frame, tumbled towards me, and threw her arms around me.

I of course tried to catch her so she wouldn’t crack her skull, but then without saying anything, she grabbed my face and stuck her tongue in my mouth.

Ah. A very interesting predicament I’m in at this point. Jenna is sleeping 10 feet away, and I don’t really want her to see this girl smooching me… I don’t particularly like kissing people, even if I DO know them… and this girl clearly has bigger expectations of me that I’m able to provide.

So, there I am, flattered, disgusted, and straining to hold up the girl without making it too easy for her to kiss me.

I helped prop her up against the doorframe again, and she said “okkkay, I’ll sheee you later baby.” Then she staggered down the hallway. I decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and I allowed as how I had done all I could.

Jenna was only marginally awake for the incident, but once I told her what happened she was WIDE awake.

Things like that never happened to me when I was single. Isn’t life interesting.

Pete

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Take a look at this link.

Now.

My first observation is… this chick’s not bad looking for a nearly 40-year-old.

My second is… have you ever met a 15-year-old boy? They are greasy, dirty, stinky, stupid idiots. I know because I was once one of them. When I was 15, girls MY AGE wouldn’t even talk to me, let alone a “woman.”

So this chick’s pregnant, supposedly with this kids’ baby. She clearly has serious mental health issues if she’s sleeping with some greasy adolescent. Now she gets to have her baby in jail. You don’t hear about these cases often… not because they don’t happen, but because BOYS are happy about the situation, and they don’t tell.

Let’s turn this around, though… if this were a 37-year-old man with a teenage girl, he’d be looked at not as crazy, but as a pervert. Sure, he’d go to jail just like the chick, but public opinion would be completely different.

So what’s that about? We don’t expect women to do bad or “dirty” things.

And why not? Well, because they’re better liars. (to generalize the crap out of it) In my experience, the women I know are far more devious AND perverted than the men. Women play innocent, and for some reason the perception sticks. However, all you have to do is listen in to some “girl talk” and you’ll realize that women are far more graphic in their conversation than men. Yes, men talk about sex. No, they don’t go into graphic details, because guys don’t want to think about each other in that way.

My point is this, men get the bad rap because they are more open about things. Women get off with the “sweet and innocent” rap even though they are perverted sluts (ok, not all of them, but a lot), because they are better at pretending.

I won’t even get into women’s insurance rates being lower. “Oh officer, I didn’t realize I had to stop at red lights *blouse falls to the floor*.” If anyone were to do an honest audit of the police and the roadways, they would undoubtedly find that women have just as many traffic infractions as men, cause just as many accidents as men, and probably don’t pay as much attention to the road as men. They just have less CITATIONS.

All this to say… when a woman does something perverted, immoral, wrong, or disgusting, stop being so danged “shocked” about it. They’re doing it every day… just covering it up better.

That’s because I’ve changed my policy on stalkers. I now have a loaded light rail semi-automatic loaded with hollow points. If you’re gonna stalk me, you’d better be wearing body armor. Have you ever seen what a hollow point exit wound looks like? So stalkers, listen up. Anytime you feel woman enough to come to my house, feel free. I’ll be waiting for you.

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So how do we feel about the Bill being tossed around that would prevent womyn from serving in direct ground combat?

Personally, I’m disgusted by they blatant sexism. Why should womyn be prevented from being shot at? Are we saying that they don’t deserve to be killed and men do?

If a corporation decided to bar women from a manufacturing job because it was dangerous, they would have their proverbial pants sued off. And they’d lose. Why should corporations be held to higher standards than the DOD? Anyone?

Yeah. It’s definitely stupid. If a womyn wants to volunteer for the infantry… more power to her. I believe there should be equal opportunity for her to be killed in action. Why let the men have all the fun?

I’m just glad the womyn are volunteering, because I sure as heck don’t want to go fight. I would if I was drafted, but it wouldn’t be my career choice. Plus, a few female casualties might do wonders for our feelings as a country on interfering in other country’s problems.

Pete

As far as I know, I didn’t actually take anything. For some reason, I’m having difficulty feeling any emotion whatsoever. I thought maybe I was in a bad mood, but then I realized I had no discernable mood at all.

Maybe it was all the hot action over the weekend. After all, I did go to a “couple’s party.”

Sadly, I was a “substitute boyfriend,” not the real thing. Leigh Ann’s real boyfriend had a gig on Saturday night, and her friend’s party was that night. I know her friend, and I’m doing the photography for her friend’s wedding, so I got to fill in. I knew 3 people at the party… Leigh Ann, and the couple getting married. Fortunately for me, that’s all anyone knew… the person they arrived with, and the couple.

I considered using the opportunity to pick up chicks, since in my experience women will only go out with someone who’s already with somebody. I asked Leigh Ann to be my wingman… Of course, then I realized it was a “couple’s party” so everyone there was accompanied by a hulking (big and dumb) significant other.

So I didn’t actually try to pick anyone up… I just watched all the pretty, “talented” girls walk by with their low-cut tops. That was pretty much just as good as picking someone up, and much less work. Besides, I was already there with the hottest girl in the place…

And you all thought I was holding out on you… HA. I should be so lucky.

I’m 26. I have a lot of opinions for someone my age. I blame my bad personality. I’ve been accused of “seeming 30″ since I was 18. It’s a curse. The only women that ever showed an interest were 8-12 years older than me. The ironic part is that now I’m closing in on 30, and those 30 something women aren’t looking too bad now…

If only they weren’t so danged insane with hormones around that age. Not the good kind of hormones, either. It’s the kind of hormones that make a perfectly stable, intelligent women suddenly decide after 30 years of saying they “never want to have kids” to desperately want to start popping kids out. You all know I’m right, so don’t try and deny it.

Guys go through something similar at around 18 years of age. We don’t want babies so much… just want to “practice” our technique. We spend several years insanely hormonal, and fortunately the hormones start to slow down… just in time for the woman to reach her maternal instinct phase.

Thank god that men and women don’t peak at the same time… imagine the population problems we’d have.

The only way a woman will be satisfied when she enters “the phase” will be if she hooks up with an 18 year old guy. He of course will not be thinking about the evil insanity of having children, only about the bliss of “gettin’ some.” Everybody gets what they want.

That, or we could just lock women up from 29 to 36. That would solve the problem, too.

So, all that said, I’m glad to be nearing 30, and I’m even more glad that I don’t have to become a hormonal emotional nut when I get there. Yup… Estrogen=Nutcase.

I’m talking about the soccer mom with 18 kids in the back of her minivan, that cuts you off, sending you careening towards a guardrail, and never even notices what she’s done.

I say “she” for two reasons. First, “she” (whoever she is) ran me off the road this morning. Two, we all know that women can’t drive worth a crap even when they are paying attention. (hi mom) Usually when jerk guy cuts me off, there are at least 3 inches of clearance between our cars.

Not so with Ms. Oblivious. She pulls over with -4 feet. As most of you know, two cars cannot occupy the same space at the same time without causing some problems. I know it would be really nice if we could use a rift in the time-space continuum to avoid these accidents, but it’s just not possible.

So as she pulls into my lane, with at least 4 feet of her car occupying the same space as the front 4 feet of my car, I have to do some fricking Nascar style moves. I look over my shoulder (hint: ladies, they put that little requirement in the driving rule book for a reason) and saw that, to my utter surprise, that no one was occupying the grass next to the highway. Probably primarily because it’s “native prairie grass” which we don’t cut, so it’s roughly 1400 feet tall.

Keep in mind the entire event took less than 2 seconds.

I pulled off the highway at 70 (ok, maybe more like 80) MPH, fishtailed on the soft shoulder, and went flying through the native prairie grass.

I didn’t even get the chance to honk and thank her, because in the 2 seconds it took me to save my own life, she had disappeared into the distance, never knowing the havoc she had wrecked in her wake.

Give me the jerky driver any day over the oblivious one. Neither would stop to help you if they caused you to crash, but at least the jerky guy would know about it and have to live with the guilt.

So, I’m fine. My car appears to be ok, except for the native prairie grass stuck under my windshield wipers.

However, my legs are still jello, my heart is still pounding, and I feel lucky to be alive. And if I ever see that minivan again… I’ll recognize it because it said “Jenny’s Flowers” (apparently Ms. Oblivious soccer mom is also an entreprenuer) in huge, 6 inch tall letters… I’ll be initiating my sidewinder missile launcher.

That is all.

Carly Fiorina got the boot. Yup. That’s right. Canned. Fired. Removed. The board of directors at Hewlett Packard are giving her “remote career planning®” assistance. (Remote Career Planning is a registered trademark owned by my dad).

Why, you ask, is this important? Well you see, Carly was the only female CEO of a Fortune 500 company. The only female CEO of a company in the DOW industrial average. She was the most powerful woman in business. Now she’s the most powerful woman in the unemployment line.

This is important to me, because I’ve long contended that women don’t have the cahones (haha) to run a big company. And I say that without a shred of discrimination. Let me explain.

Women have just as much brainpower as men. Just as much education. The same God-given abilities (if you ignore the obvious physical differences). So what would lead me to say women can’t hack it in a job like Carly got booted from?

Women are under the mistaken impression that in order to be successful at that level, they need to be more manly than the average… well, man. They cuss louder, bark more often, tell more dirty jokes… Of course I’m generalizing, but this concept is floating around out there.

There are two things in a business setting that men don’t respect. 1) People that let emotion influence business decisions. 2) Women that act like men.

There’s a problem there, if you’re paying attention. In general, women tend to allow emotions, at least to some extent, to influence their decisions. Women that are purely logical and emotionless, however, are considered raging beeotches. So it’s a bit of a puzzle for all you chicks out there.

Another puzzle for the chicks, is that in order to be a CEO, you have to be perfectly willing to have everyone in the organization hate your guts. In fact, you must revel in it. It’s your birthright as CEO. A lot of women don’t like the idea of being hated. Here I am generalizing again… but honestly, a man with a very dominate personality is usually to full of himself to bother taking it personally when people hate him. However, dominating women just get plain hateful when people don’t like them an cowtow to them.

I’m not going to draw any conclusions here. If you want to believe that the reason there are no female CEO’s in Fortune 500 companies is that men are discriminating pigs, that’s your right as a free-thinking American. If you want to believe that there are legitimate differences in the way men and women think and make decisions, thus leading to the fact that women are not in those jobs, that’s your right, too.

So tell me what you think.

I like me.

I like my pups.

Sometimes I even like my family.

But the fact of the matter is, I’m far too self-absorbed to spend time thinking about other people. If I do something considerate for you, then you should count yourself very lucky, because it’s not normal.

I get immersed in what I’m doing, and everything else becomes secondary. People try to talk to me when I’m working on something, and usually I don’t even realize they’re there.

But honestly, it’s not that I hate them. I just have a very focused approach to problem-solving. There are times I’ll start working on something after work, and the next thing I know, the sun has come up and it’s time to go back to work. And people wonder why I’m tired all the time.

The times I’ve been in serious relationships, the number one complaint of the girl is that I don’t pay enough attention to her. It isn’t that I don’t try. It isn’t that I hate her, or that I’m bored with her. If I’m focused on her, I can’t be easily distracted from that, either. But I’m not going to focus on her 12 hours a day. That’s not realistic, and it isn’t going to happen. Maybe a couple of hours. Some days, not at all.

I haven’t yet met a girl that could handle that without thinking I hated her. That’s one reason that friends are better than girlfriends. Friends expect that you won’t focus a lot of time on them, and they’re pleasantly surprised when you do something nice for you. Girlfriends, on the other hand, feel entitled to at least “some” time each day. But I ask you, what about the days when I’m too busy to do that? Theoretically, she’ll be so busy with her medical practice that she won’t necessarily have lots of time to spend with me, either.

The key there is finding someone that is absorbed, at least at some level, in her career. If she’s working as a cashier at the grocery store, she’s not going to be bringing a lot of work home with her, and she’ll expect more of my time. Ya know what I mean? And no, I’m not saying anything bad about cashiers… my mom was even a cashier for a while… while she finished her degree, which she got so she could get a good job…also known as a “career.”

And maybe that’s the point. I need to find someone that has a “career,” not a “job.” Or just someone that isn’t insecure and needy… I’m just saying.