Sitting on the couch, watching So You Think You Can Dance, with Jenna next to me and Sheriff sleeping between us, a fire in the fireplace, Abby and Liv curled up by the hearth, and Chasey sleeping on Jenna’s lap.

Welcome to my life.

I have a couple of Silver Maples, both of which are about 40 feet tall. They were touching the ground they were so overgrown, and they needed a good trim.

So naturally I got my loppers, grabbed a ladder, and went to town.

I hate working over my head, and I knew my shoulders and arms were gonna hurt today, but geez… the worst thing is I seem to have pulled my hamstring.

I can barely walk today, and I can only assume it happened from bending over to pick up branches instead of bending my knees.

So here I am, limping around, unable to lift my arms, and covered with bug bites. Sexy.

I’m hoping it will only take a couple of hours, but deep down I know it’s going to take days.

I’m not in exactly what you would call “top shape.” And by that I mean I haven’t worked out since 2003.

Wish me luck.

This phenomenon is so common I now assume the sales weasel is just telling me what I want to hear.

I was filling out a corporate credit application and asked sales weasel who needed to sign it. He said “you can just sign it.” Partly, he may have assumed that was sufficient given my title at the company. However, I think the main reason he said it was I was the only person standing right there at the time, and it meant instant gratification for him.

It turns out this thing actually has to be signed by all of the corporate officers, the Pope, Bullwinkle the moose, and all of the deceased members of The Who.

Theoretically this sales weasel sells thousands of his products every year, and they aren’t the type of thing people pay cash for. So I’m guessing he’s seen at least… 200 of these applications in the past month. He MUST have known that the form required Bullwinkle’s signature (I didn’t even know a moose could hold a pen, but whatever).

But this happens all the time. “I need a product that can ________” Whatever you put in that blank, the sales weasel will tell you his product can do it. I used to think that sales weasels were just morons who’d never used the product, but now I’m quite sure they are weasels trying to scam customers.

When I bought my water heater, I told the sales guy I needed a water heater that could supply two showers, the washing machine, and the dishwasher simultaneously for 4 straight hours. I like long showers and so does Jenna. Don’t judge me… it’s my house and my money, and I’ll spend it on a monster water heater if I want.

The sales weasel promptly showed me three options that would do the trick. They were all uber-expensive, but I figured a once-every-10-year purchase was worth the money. However, not trusting the sales weasel, I met the actual installation guys at the door.

“I need my water heater to supply two showers, the washing machine, and the dishwasher simultaneously for 4 straight hours.” They both looked at each other, and then at the water heater they’d brought.

“Well sir, this isn’t going to do the trick.”

So I showed him the quote with the three options from the sales weasel.

“Ummm, sir, none of those water heaters will do what you need.”

So they proceeded to get their catalog out of the truck and pointed to the unit I needed. It was $400 LESS than the three options the sales weasel had presented.

Either the sales weasel didn’t know what the heck he was talking about (probable), or he was trying to scam me (also probable).

Never trust a sales person to tell the truth.

I was fortunate enough to have a few girlfriends, and although they were wrought with issues, they provided good experience for me at relationships as well as teaching me exactly what I DIDN’T want in a woman. I dated an alcoholic, a slut, a girl who was simply pitying me, and a single mom. In that order. I found out that those are four things that weren’t for me.

It didn’t help that three of the four were selfish users. I pretty much assumed all women were that way.

The reality was, I didn’t really date in the traditional sense very much, even when I had a girlfriend. The first girl, Ms. Right and I never “went out.” We just hung out at her apartment and watched movies and such. Never really went out to dinner or things like that. The slut and I would go shopping together and the occasional meal, but that relationship didn’t last long because she ultimately cheated on me, and then cheated on that guy, and the next guy, etc.

The closest I got to dating was the girl who was pitying me. She didn’t want to be with me, but she felt I needed a girlfriend (I didn’t know this till after the fact) so she took it upon herself. We went out a lot. We shopped, went to movies, went for drinks, went for dinner, went to the ice cream shop, etc. Even though we spent a lot of time at her apartment watching movies and stuff, we still went out at least once a week. Sadly, she led me to believe that she genuinely wanted to be with me, but was actually constantly looking for an upgrade. Ouch.

The single mom and I went to UMKC together. I met her after I bought my house, so the natural thing seemed to be that she would come over. We didn’t really go out anywhere. It seemed perfectly normal to me both because I never dated much and I’m really a homebody. She was a nice (albeit crazy) girl, but I didn’t feel I was ready to be a stepdad, especially since the baby’s biological dad was a jealous lunatic hell-bent on killing me.

Finally, I met the Jenna. Online. Dating someone you meet online who lives 1100 miles away is difficult to say the least. We went back and forth between cities for several months, but we didn’t go out on dates. We were both too jet lagged to do anything but hang out at each other’s homes. Once she moved here, we couldn’t afford to go out, so we got into the comfortable habit of spending all our time at home.

That meant Jenna and I never actually dated.

We have decided to remedy that situation but implementing a weekly date night. This week we went to see Star Trek at the AMC Cinema Suites. Jenna informed me that I’m “the man” so I have to decide what we’re doing on our dates. That plays to my strengths because I’m much more comfortable going out if I planned it.

So here’s to finally dating someone who’s not an alcoholic, slut, person pitying me, or single mom.

Oh yeah, and that I’m married to…

As you know, Jenna and I got married last September on the beach in Maine. Before that, we had dated for 3 1/2 years, and she’d lived here in Kansas City for 3 of those years. We were already pretty used to each other by the time we got married, so the little daily annoyances weren’t really an issue for us.

After we got married, Jenna’s brother moved out, giving us our entire house for the first time in almost 3 years. Yay!

Anyhow, there are a lot of reasons why our relationship works so well. We couldn’t be more different in our personalities. She’s social, outgoing, energetic, and has a million things going on at all times. I’m a homebody, quiet, and try to spend as much time as possible away from social settings.

But for some reason, it still works great. The main reason is we both appreciate each others’ personalities. I like her outgoing, friendly personality. I’m not the jealous type, so I’m fine with her going out with friends, having all the social interaction she can handle. I don’t get mad at her for not being home with me all the time.

By the same token, she likes my stable, quiet personality. I’m sure she wishes she could get me out of the house more, but she understands that’s not who I am and she doesn’t get mad at me for being myself.

I think that’s really the secret. Any 2 people can have a good relationship if they appreciate the others’ personality and allow them to be themselves. It’s when one person tries to change the other person that things fall apart, because let’s face it – by the time you’re 30, you are who you are.

She knows that I’ll take care of things like the bills, maintaining the house and cars, etc. I know she’ll take care of making friends and keeping me meeting new people, even if that takes place at our house (the ultimate social event that makes both of us happy…). Her ease at making friendships is something I will probably never have, so I needed to marry someone who had that. And she will probably never have the focus or desire to handle bills, maintenance, etc. She needs someone in her life that is steady, and that’s me.

It wasn’t seamless from the start. We both had well established habits and single lifestyles when we met. But we knew we wanted to be together and learning to appreciate each others’ strengths instead of being unhappy about our differences was the key.

In addition to being a friendly, outgoing person, Jenna also constantly surprises me with her huge heart. She is not a superficial friend to people. She genuinely cares about their well being. And she supports me in what I want to do, whatever that may be.

A peaceful, stable, happy relationship does wonders for bringing balance to your life. But sorry, Jenna’s already taken.

You’d think that the fact I am constantly filling trash cans with bloody snot rags would generate some sympathy, but alas.

The fact is, I have allergies, bad ones. I generate about 20 pounds of snot a day, and that much blowing and sneezing is sure to also produce at least a little bit of blood. Yes, I try to crumple the toilet paper up so that it just looks like a ball of paper, but it isn’t always successful.

I once tried to use Kleenex for a while. Supposedly it’s stronger, gentler on your nose, etc.

My fundamental problem with Kleenex is that they are small and rectangular. Completely the wrong shape for massive nose blowing. If I blow my nose in one corner of a Kleenex, I might be able to get one wipe with the opposite corner, but generally the entire tissue is rendered unusable by the first blow. Toilet paper, on the other hand, is a long, continuous piece of paper that can simply be moved down in one direction. You don’t have to try and turn it to get an unsnotty portion to use.

Kleenex is also loaded with moisturizers and crap. When I use Kleenex, I inevitably get zits on my nose because the lotion clogs my pores. Toilet tissue doesn’t have that problem.

Kleenex almost always crumbles and leaves little lint fuzz pieces everywhere. Toilet paper is specifically engineered NOT to leave remnants behind.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t understand why anyone would use Kleenex instead of toilet paper. I guess it’s possible that if you just have a tiny bit of snot a Kleenex might work fine, but if your entire nasal system gets completely full 6 or 8 times a day, that’s a lot more snot than a Kleenex can handle.

So buy yourself a nice roll of snot rags.

I was planning to buy a lovely 24″ iMac with 640GB hard drive and 4GB of RAM. That was more than sufficient to do my photo editing (which by the way is substantial both in terms of quantity and in terms of complexity) and music recording, which was my other goal.

I love new toys, but I have committed not to buy anything new that I don’t “NEED” unless I sell other toys to pay for it. That’s my solution to having new stuff but also getting out of debt. So I parted with a beloved Ampeg 810 bass cabinet, a Nikon D200 with vertical grip, and a Nikon 85mm 1.8 – three of my prized possessions. It was worth it, I told myself, because it meant I could finally get that Mac. By the way, if you are in the market for Mac or iPod stuff or accessories, you should buy it from SpringBoard Media. They have better prices than the Apple website, better service, and they’re also nice people!

Anyhow, guess what I’m ACTUALLY going to be spending my money on….

A new water heater! Isn’t that exciting?!

Right after I sold my stuff, my water heater started dumping rusty sludge out the bottom. It’s a pretty clear sign that the anode has completely rusted away and now the tank is rusting through. Since I don’t want a massive steam explosion in my house, and I kinda like having hot water, I don’t really have a choice.

I’m a good homeowner, so I’m not going to put in the cheapest thing I can find. I’m going with a 10 year, 40,000 BTU water heater that is extremely energy efficient. And since it’s gas I’m not going to be installing it myself. It turns out I also need the gas shutoff valve replaced, so that’s an additional cost. So when it’s all said and done, it’s going to cost $1,100. Ouch.

The good news is, it’s the only major appliance I haven’t already replaced, so I should be good for a while.

The bad news is, I only have $300 left in my Mac fund.

Time to sell some more toys. Anybody need a bass? I have a Samick Artist Series 6 string for sale. And I’m also selling a Ruger .270 bolt action deer rifle with a Redfield scope (all sighted in and ready to go).

When you see them at the pet store or shelter, they look so helpless and pathetic… they NEED someone to love them. *sniff*

But puppies know that the only way they will get adopted is to look pathetic. They do it on purpose. Otherwise, no one would take home a creature that chews on everything, poops on everything, and whines 24/7. You can’t really say the same about children, because I’d estimate that 85% of babies are just a byproduct of what the couple was doing.

When I got Abby, she was at the shelter. She was the most pathetic critter I’d ever seen. She had these big sad eyes and docile personality. I couldn’t leave her there. Then I got her home and she had bordatella, worms, and of course – she wasn’t housebroken. That particularly sucked at the time because I didn’t have a fenced yard. I had to take her out on a leash every 2 hours. For six months. It was awful.

Olivia was older when I adopted her… about 8 months. I thought she was being horribly mistreated by the shelter, because every time I saw her she was laying in a puddle of pee. I adopted her and guess what… when I got her home, she continued laying in a puddle of pee. I would take her outside for an hour and she’d do nothing, then the moment I put her back in the cage, she’d pee. She was healthy, but she wasn’t housebroken for another 6 months after I adopted her.

Now we have Sheriff. He’s our pug, and he’s about 4 months old. He poops about 40 times a day. I have no idea where it all comes from. You can tell that he doesn’t really LIKE sleeping in poop, but that doesn’t stop him from doing it almost every night. He flops around in his sleep, so by morning he is like a chocolate covered cherry, only instead he’s a poop covered dog.

Sheriff also likes to chew on things… shoes, blankets, socks, feet. Today while I was cleaning his cage, he grabbed the blanket off the couch, dragged it to the middle of the room, then jumped on it and peed.

I’d almost forgotten what it was like having a puppy, but now I remember. I’m pretty sure it’s always like this.

Next time, remind me to adopt a 5 year old dog.