Anyhow, after about 200 emails, I thought “Wow, this would be a really funny post for incredipete!”

So, I contacted them about my impending “nomination.”

They were pleased to hear from me and just wanted to interview me to “make sure I met their standards for qualification.”

In an attempt to find out how well they screen applications (after all, I don’t want to be in a publication that hasn’t been edited and fact-checked), I decided to embellish my credentials a bit.

Naturally, I told them I had a Master’s in Electrical Engineering from MIT. And I told them that I was employed by NASA designing circuit boards for the upcoming Creed manned space exploration (and yes, I did pick Creed because of Apollo) rocket. I told them I was in charge of the team designing all of the sophisticated equipment that would be on board the spaceship, and that my team included nearly 90 of America’s best and brightest minds.

While I was at it, I told them that I also had an MBA from Purdue University that I finished in 1988 before my first executive job running the research division at GM. I told them that I predicted that GM would go down the drain which is why I bailed to work for NASA in 1999 (brilliant foresight, wouldn’t you agree?).

I sit on the Board of Curators for the University of Kansas, too, in my spare time.

Ok, that’s the end of my grand experiment. After I told him all of this stuff, he was VERY impressed and immediately told me he wanted to include me. And of course he pitched all of their expensive products they want you to buy. Then I hung up.

In addition to being blatant fabrication, it’s OBVIOUSLY blatant fabrication. I live in Kansas. NASA doesn’t have offices here. I’m 31… I couldn’t have graduated with an MBA when I was 10. I’m not Doogie Howser. NASA has no such plans for manned space exploration, and they certainly don’t have a program with a stupid name like “Creed” which is obviously a Rocky reference.

Oh, and the KU Board of Curators is public information. He could have Googled it and seen I wasn’t on it.

If your college has a jingle but not a fight song, chances are you’d be better off going elsewhere. “Set yourself free, get your degree, National American University” I rest my case.

Never use any local company whose owner personally records their radio or TV commercials. Especially not if they have their kid or grandkid participate.

Always consider the acronym when naming your company or school. Florida University. UTI (an automotive repair votech school). Direct Import Conglomerates of Kansas.

Never ask needy people “how are you” unless you have hours to kill.

If the thought “Wow, I should really use a condom” pops into your head… you should really reconsider your life choices.

Dogs give unconditional love. Cats give unconditional disdain.

If you disagree with anything that any black person ever said, you are a racist.

Sports fall on Maslow’s hierarchy right between pudding pops and weaves.

If you spend more time playing video games than you spend cleaning, you deserve the tumor that you’re giving yourself.

10. Kleenex is square, and once you blow your nose in one corner, it’s pretty much shot
9. Even if you’re willing to blow your nose on a part of the Kleenex that’s wet, the overall size of a Kleenex is only big enough for a baby
8. Kleenex infuses their tissues with all sorts of petroleum products and anti-viral juice that makes me break out
7. Toilet paper is a nearly endless supply of dry space, and it never requires you to hold your snot to one side of your nose
6. Toilet paper is tough, and it doesn’t leave lint like Kleenex
5. Toilet paper doesn’t have additives that make me break out
4. Toilet paper is cheaper than Kleenex, especially when you consider that a Kleenex only gives you one good blow
3. Toilet paper is readily available in EVERY restroom on the planet
2. Toilet paper can also be used for other purposes that you’d be crazy to use Kleenex for
1. Toilet paper is perforated so that you can take just the right amount

You people who use Kleenex must not have allergies, because a Kleenex gives me one good blow and it’s disintegrated and my hands are wet. Not exactly the idea…

I want something that I can just blow once, move it up, blow again… and just keep going till I’m done. I don’t want to go through 20 Kleenex every time I need to blow my nose.

Tissues are worthless. You can’t even clean up messes with them, because they have additives that smear everywhere.

Since that’s not likely, I am proposing a new health insurance form to assist insurance companies in pricing their policies. Normally they ask for silly things like your address, medical history and such. I think my questions are better.

1. What is your current age?

2. Do you smoke? How many packs per day?

3. Do you eat fast food? How often?

4. Do you engage in dangerous hobbies (i.e. skydiving, Australian rules football, etc.)?

5. Do you engage in promiscuous unprotected sex? How many partners per day?

6. Do you own any exotic pets (parrots, snakes, monkeys, etc.)?

7. Do you currently exceed the towing capacity of a standard Ford F-150?

8. How many gallons of ice cream do you eat per day?

9. How often do you drink alcohol? How many drinks per day?

10. Does you medicine cabinet contain any of the following: Insulin, Heparin, Methadone, Atripla, or Vancomycin?

These questions get to the heart of the pricing issue… do you engage in things that will make you more expensive to insure. Smokers, obese people, alcoholics, risk-takers… these are expensive people. We also deal with pricing for specifics – people with diabetes, heart conditions, drug addictions, AIDS, or serious infection.

And we do it all without a medical exam.

Tell me I’m wrong.

Go.

Call them eccentric. Call them creepy. Call them weird. We all have one.

How does that happen? I find it hard to believe that creepiness is that common. Yet… I’ll bet you have a creepy uncle, don’t you!

That got me thinking. What if I end up being the creepy uncle of my family!? I’m sure nobody plans on being that guy.

Do you become the creepy uncle by default if you are either single or you have no kids? The creepy uncle usually doesn’t have a wife or kids. But I have an uncle who’s not married and he’s NOT creepy… so that theory can’t be right.

Jenna has an “eccentric” uncle. I wouldn’t say he’s creepy, but he’s definitely an odd duck. He’s single… always has been.

I know my kids will have a creepy uncle, because right now he’s just a creepy brother-in-law. I keep thinking he’ll come into his own eventually. We’ll see.

I have 5 uncles and only one of them is creepy. I’d be willing to bet that if you have 2 uncles, one of them will be creepy. And I’d be willing to bet that if you only have one uncle… he’s creepy.

So tell me if I’m right.

Go.

I text while driving. I email while driving. I eat while driving. I talk on the phone while driving. I have even studied for a test while driving… albeit many years ago.

I see people putting on makeup while driving, doing their hair while driving, turning around and smacking their kids while driving.

I guess my point is, why pick on texting? People do 1,000 things that take their eyes off the road. How can you just pick and choose a couple of them?

Why not ban all those other activities, too?

In fact, most “distracted driver” accidents occur because the driver was too engaged in conversation with the passenger. Should we outlaw talking in the car? How about we just outlaw having passengers?

I feel like it’s just a bandwagon. Nobody’s going to say we can’t eat while we’re driving. There is a drive thru restaurant every 10 feet in this country. But I’m sure eating while driving is just as distracting as texting.

What do you think?

Why did kissing the Blarney Stone become popular? Well, it’s supposed to give you good luck and the “gift of the gab.” However, it’s far more likely to give you a Staph infection given that the locals get drunk and use it as a urinal on Saturday nights. Add to that the fact that millions of visitors kiss it every year, there’s probably also a fair amount of hepatitis and salmonella on there as well.

I suppose it’s good that kissing the stone gives you the gift of the gab. You’ll be able to convince the doctor that you got hepatitis in an honorable way.

Street Luge

I’m sure we’ve all heard of road rash. Well, street luge is the ideal way to get full-body road rash while having the added benefit of simultaneous internal decapitation. Riding 1 inch from the road at 80 MPH is simply not smart.

Parkour

Most of you have probably never heard of Parkour. That’s because it’s incredibly retarded and lame. However, it’s also an incredibly effective way to sprain your ankle or break your wrist in everyday settings. Parkour is the “sport” where people try to climb walls and other objects using various skills such as running, jumping, and falling.

Not only is it stupid for the danger factor, it’s stupid because it’s retarded and pointless.

10. Best & Worst Movies (12,127 page views) – I think this was popular because it generated a lot of random web traffic. People who do not read my blog stumbled on in because of the keywords. I don’t think it’s an interesting post at all. There’s no accounting for taste.

9. Other Cultures Suck (12,433 page views) – Clearly this one was interesting to people because it was inflammatory. I got a lot of international readers on this post, and it’s undoubtedly because I said their culture sucks.

8. The Blonde Antichrist (12,782 page views) – People thought this was funny because a) it made Pete look like a wuss for being shy, b) the word “antichrist” was used in the title, and c) Pete had a crush on an evil girl.

7. IncrediJennaPete (12,965 page views) – Everyone loves a sordid affair, so they all tuned in to see if I’d disclose any intimate details of my first trip to see Jenna. Of course, they were disappointed. Ha!

6. Shove Your Moral Relativism (13,485 page views) – Not sure why this one was popular. I liked it, but then… I’m weird.

5. George Tiller Reaps What He Sowed (13,520 page views) – I ticked more than a couple people off when I implied I wasn’t sad about Tiller being gunned down. If anyone ever had it coming… it was him.

4. The Environment is Overrated (14,126 page views) – Indeed, the environment is overrated. And environmentalists are wasting their time. The climate changes. Deal with it.

3. The Responsibility Illusion (14,539 page views) – This one generated a lot of comments and email. Apparently a lot of people related to this concept. When I was writing it I didn’t think it was that great, but apparently you all thought differently.

2. Dew the Genocide (16,139 page views) – Apparently people thought it was pretty funny when I reported that Hitler was alive and manufacturing Mountain Dew as a way to enslave and exterminate Westerners.

1. Who Knew Cats Could Sing Italian Opera (22,454 page views) – By far the most read post I’ve ever written. The post itself is not at all interesting, but the hilarious catfight between “Ms. Right (Melissa)” and “Jennyanydots (Molly)” was too funny for words. I liked it because it was a catfight over me. The readers liked it because it was a catfight. Molly hasn’t read my site since that day. Winner – Ms. Right.

If a tree falls in a forest and kills a mime, will anyone care?