A few months ago I finally sought a doctor’s help for my anxiety. I was having panic attacks, experiencing agoraphobia (the irrational fear of agoras), and basically refused to travel, even for fun.

They say it’s typical for anxiety to start when a person is in their late 20’s. That was the case for me.

I tried to use Jedi mind tricks, tried controlling my circumstances (leading to more agoraphobia), and tried using diet to feel better.

The doctor prescribed a tiny dose of an anti-anxiety medicine (for daily use). It’s half of the smallest does they make.

The first 2 months I was on it, I actually felt worse. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop grinding my teeth even when I was aware I was doing it, and none of my symptoms were better.

After the first couple of months, it started to really kick in.

I’m happy to say that I feel better now than I have in years. I’m sure I could still manage a panic attack if I had the right circumstances, but at least in my day-to-day life, I feel much better.

It’s a good feeling.

Tonight, Jenna and I are going to the movies. I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago.

I couldn’t sleep last night, I’m grinding my teeth nonstop, and running around like a headless chicken.

I’m not sure what it is… probably just a combination of a lot of things.

I’ve had some tight deadlines at work, I’ve had more than the normal amount of website projects to do, and photo shoots coming out my ears. I also have a trip to STL this weekend for my cousin’s wedding, and travel always stresses me out!

I didn’t help things by drinking WAY too much caffeine yesterday. I normally drink a Pepsi or two, but yesterday I think I had 6. I was just so sleepy I was trying to keep awake, but that might have kicked up my anxiety level.

Ugh.

I am so sick and tired of hearing people make excuses for the stupid and/or bad things they do by their own choice. Yes, I do stupid and bad things, but I’d like to think I don’t make excuses. It’s maddening.

“Smoking helps keep me level.”

“I overeat because it comforts me.”

“Drinking helps me be more social.”

“I’m just sowing the wild oats till I meet the right person.”

“I’m just not wired for school.”

Those are just a few examples of making excuses. These are the same people who will complain about their chronic cough, complain about being fat, complain about always being hung over, complain about never having a serious relationship (or about having Herpes), and complain about being in a dead end job.

Well duh.

Of course you’re suffering the consequences of your actions. That’s how the universe works. Making excuses is a weak-minded way of dealing with your addictions, however.

If you want to stop smoking, stop smoking. Yeah, it’s easier said than done, but a crapload of people have quit successfully, so it must be possible. What’s the difference between the successful quitters and you? Well, they stopped making excuses and took action.

If you want to be thin, it’s pretty simple. Eat less. There’s no mystery to it. 1 pound is equal to about 3,500 calories. If you eat 3,000 calories a day and you only need 2,000, you’re going to gain about 40 pounds a year. It’s simple math. The inverse is true. If you eat less, you will lose weight by the same formula. No gimmicks, no shortcuts, just a decision to control yourself.

If you want to overcome your shyness, don’t do it with a crutch like alcohol. That’s not really “overcoming” anything. It’s simply masking your true normal behavior. Alcohol can be very damaging when used for the wrong reasons. In fact, come to think of it I can’t really think of any good reasons to drink. Maybe that’s why I don’t drink anymore!

Being promiscuous is another one that is often overlooked. It can be very damaging. Most of the people I know who were/are promiscuous have a very flippant, skewed perspective on sex. It’s not really even special to them anymore. And they wonder why no one wants to settle down with them. Hmmm. Then of course there’s the STD issue, which is yet another reason to stop making excuses!

“Not being wired for school” is one of my all time favorite excuses. Translation: School takes way too much time and it’s way too hard for me to commit. Ok, that’s fine if you mean it. But when you’re 40 years old making 12 bucks an hour, you’d better remember that it was your choice.

There will always be excuses for things we don’t want to do, including thing we SHOULD do. However, the grown up thing to do is to stop with the excuses and bite the bullet.

Everyone is selfish sometimes. Sometimes I simply decide I’m going to do what I want to do even if other people get upset. Last year I skipped the family reunion in St. Louis. The weather was questionable, I didn’t want to drive across Missouri, and I was tired. It was selfish of me to skip it, but I did anyhow.

I’m not talking about people who occasionally look out for numero uno. I think most people who know me would describe me as generous. A giver.

Real selfish people are selfish MOST of the time… if not all. They always put themselves first. They NEVER think to do something for someone else. They take and take and take and take. I’ve had friends who were selfish. I’ve been in relationships with selfish people. I’ve worked with selfish people.

They all suck.

The problem with being a generous person is that selfish people are drawn to you like moths to a flame. They suck the life out of you as long as you can, and about the time you start resenting their existence, they leave. Now, it’s partly my fault for allowing them to take advantage of my generosity. But it’s mostly their fault for being a selfish jerk.

The older I get, the more I loathe selfishness. When I see a kid acting narcissistic and selfish, I wanna slap them across the face. Parents who allow their kids to act that way are breeding the next generation of selfish adults.

Adults who only think of themselves or always put themselves first should be ashamed. If you’re past the age of 16 and you still act like an entitled brat, you’re not only a jerk, you’re lame. Other people are important, too. Other people deserve some kindness, too.

As my grandma always said…. “the world doesn’t revolve around you.”

Selfish people insist on having things their way. They don’t allow us generous people to just be generous. I naturally do things for people I care about. They don’t need to ask, or insist. The problem with selfish people is that whatever you do for them… it’s never enough. The higher you raise the bar, the more entitled they feel.

I hate selfishness more than I hate any other negative trait. An angry person can have good moments. A perv… well, they can be lots of fun. A moron… they can be sweet.

So here is my advice to all the selfish people out there: Grow the F up! What are you, 12? Stop taking all the time and start thinking about other people. Do you really want everyone you encounter to end up resenting you?! They will.

Sure as the Earth turns.

The Bible says the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self control. In other words, if you are a Christian, people will be able to tell because you will exhibit these qualities. (NOT because you bash them over the head with a Bible.) Depending on the person, some or all of these can be a real battle. For me, patience was one I really had to learn. I had to find some sort of zen.

Some of those are not so easy for me… peace is the hardest one for me, as the anxious sort of person that I am. I’d argue that I’m pretty humble, but I’m afraid that self-contempt doesn’t qualify as humility. Not to mention the fact that saying you’re awesomely humble pretty much negates the point.

Even if you aren’t a Christian, these are some good things to aspire to. I don’t see how being kind could hurt you in life, for example. The only special point for Christians is that if you aren’t exhibiting these qualities at least to some extent, you might want to take a closer look at why.

As I forced myself to be patient, it became second nature to me. Now, when I’m standing there while someone does something annoying, I genuinely don’t get annoyed… most of the time. I’m not perfect. The point is, it’s not really a daily battle for me anymore.

With patience comes the realization that in this world, it’s a very rare quality. People are very impatient ALL the time. It happens in traffic, at the grocery store… anywhere there are people, there are annoyed people. It sticks out at me like a sore thumb, because I remember how unhappy I was ALL the time before I got my emotions under control (I went to Vulcan and studied with Spock).

When people are impatient with me, I tend to take it personally. I’m not really sure why that is… I’ll have to ask my therapist. If I can tell someone in traffic is freaking out, I try to make room for them. When someone’s freaking out at the store, I’ll let them go in front of me.

The only place I really still lose my cool is when I’m stuck on the highway behind an accident. I’m trying to work on that, but I haven’t conquered it yet. I know there’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well sit back and relax… but then, emotions aren’t really rational.

My theory of patience relativity is that the more patient you are, the more you are sensitive to other people’s impatience. The inverse is probably also true… I’d venture to say that impatient people are both aware of…. and annoyed by…. people who are patient.

So next time you start to get annoyed with someone or something…. ask yourself “Does this thing I’m annoyed about matter jack freakin squat?” The answer is inevitably an emphatic “NO!”. You too can learn to be patient. It’s a skill, not an emotion.

Almost all of the ladies preferred photo number one. They felt it was friendlier, warmer, “less slutty”, and more inviting. The men preferred photo number two. They felt it was “sexy” and “sultry”. My photography teacher from high school also liked photo number one, but because of composition, not because of expression.

Jenna was flipping through my portfolio over the weekend because I added a lot of new photos to it, and she came across those two. She REALLY likes photo one and really doesn’t like photo two – for the same reasons that all of you ladies liked photo one. I preferred photo two because I find it more provocative, striking, and in-your-face. I’m a big fan of closely cropped portraits.

It felt to me from the comments that the main objection women had to photo two was the expression, not the composition. I personally find photo one to look like a police mug shot… not very interesting to me. Yes, she’s smiling, but it’s just not that exciting.

In a way, I blame my formal college education for my preference. There was a great deal of emphasis on commercial photography (fashion, glamour, etc.) where sultry facial expressions are the norm. If you don’t believe me just flip through Maxim, Vogue or Cosmo.

Thus, when I’m shooting family portraits, they tend more towards photo number one (but hopefully more interesting than a “mug shot” pose), and when I shoot model portfolios and comp cards they tend towards photo number two.

Anyhow, it just goes to show that Jenna and I are representative of our respective genders when it comes to photographic preference. Go figure.

Now, once you’ve decided and you tell me your first impression (which is more appealing), try to articulate the reasons in your comment. Thanks!

Jenna has liked the show for a long time, but I never watched it. We had about 300 episodes recorded on the DVR and I was bored, so I watched one. I was amazed.

This guy is remarkable at handling and training dogs. Well, he says he “trains people” and “rehabilitates dogs” but what he does looks like magic.

He goes into houses that have dogs with various and sundry psychoses and watches them in action for a minute or two. He talks to the owners about what they currently do to try and discipline their dogs, and sometimes observes them.

Then, he walks over to the SAME EXACT DOG and the dog does exactly what he wants within a couple of minutes. Sometimes it’s instantaneous.

I thought it must be scripted because the dog’s transformations were so fast.

Cesar explains that in order to control dogs, you have to establish yourself as the pack leader. If you have any anxiety, frustration, or undue excitement, the dog will become the more dominant. This can come out in anything from excitement to whimpering, to aggressiveness.

He would walk into a house with those little annoying yap dogs that hop around and bark constantly, and within 30 seconds they were sitting quietly waiting for him to give them instructions. He used his “calm assertiveness” to show the dog through body language that he was in charge… not aggressive, not mean, not frustrated… just assertive. And calm.

There was a really sad case of a pit bull that had been mistreated and taunted for 4 years and now was totally vicious and anti-social. He would bit anyone and everyone, charge anyone, and attack anyone… including his owner. He was an extreme case, but within 24 hours, Cesar was leash walking him near other dogs and people. Within 2 weeks, he was as gentle as a lamb.

The main thing Cesar does in the show is teach owners how to be calm assertive instead of feeding the anxiety of the dog.

I was sort of convinced he was onto something, so I decided to try some of the techniques on Sheriff. He is our pug puppy, and he’s very hyper and disobedient. In fact, he’s never done one thing I told him to do. Until I became the Sheriff Whisperer.

Applying Cesar’s techniques, within 2 minutes Sheriff was sitting on command, laying down on command, and STAYING on command. I had to redirect his nervous energy and make him focus on me. I did it completely with body language and hand signals. No verbal cues at all.

After 5 minutes, I had him sitting while I threw his toy, and waiting to fetch it until I told him to.

The most remarkable difference was when I put him back in his crate. He didn’t whine. He didn’t cry. He didn’t scratch. He went in and laid down and went to sleep. He’s never done that before.

Cesar is right – he feels safe now because he knows HE doesn’t have to be the pack leader.

I’ve never personally met a CALM little dog. Now I own one.

I discovered that my dog Abby is the only one that looks at me as the pack leader in my house (until now). She gets up on the couch when I invite her, but she never gets up unless I invite her. She also ALWAYS gets down from the couch when I’m eating. I never really understood why because I didn’t make her get down. I learned that when the pack leader eats, the other dogs give him space. Basically, the pack leader owns everything and then decides when and how much he wants to share. That’s how it is in the wild, and the dogs have that instinct built in. That’s why when you want a dog to give you something they have in their mouth, you shouldn’t take it out of their mouth… that’s showing defeat (they’re letting YOU borrow THEIR toy). You should make them drop it and step away. That’s the sign of a calm submissive dog.

I also learned that Olivia (my lab) has an anxiety problem and she deals with it through avoidance. When I tell her to lay down, she looks away from me and slinks away to another room to lay down. I learned that’s bad behavior, so now when I tell her to lay down, I make sure she keeps looking at me and lays down right there.

If you’ve never watched the Dog Whisperer, I highly recommend it, even if you don’t own a dog. You’ll learn to control any dog you encounter and it works immediately.

Cesar Milan’s Website

The first time I had a panic attack, I honestly thought I was dying. I didn’t know what was going on, only that I was nauseated, dizzy, lightheaded, and my arms and legs were tingling, weak, and numb. What’s scary in that situation is not knowing what’s happening, and the fact that FEAR makes it worse. So the negative feedback you get into in your own head makes you sicker and sicker, and makes the panic attacks more and more frequent.

My symptoms were almost textbook symptoms for lead poisoning, so I went to the doctor. I had lost my appetite and in just a couple of months had lost 35 pounds. The doctor ran about eleventy jillion tests on me, then sent me to three different specialists. In the end, it seemed I was in better health than any of my doctors.

Granted, I was under a lot of stress when it started, but I’d ALWAYS been under a lot of stress. I thrived on stress pre-Lexapro. Now, it seemed, I couldn’t handle pressure at all. I got to the point where I didn’t want to leave my house for fear I’d have a panic attack in public.

One night I went to Starlight Theater with Jenna and Jennyanydots, and it started. I found myself in a cold sweat on the floor of the bathroom stall. I was too sick to get up, and my phone had no signal. I couldn’t call Jenna, I couldn’t call an ambulance (which I was ready to do). I finally forced myself to get up, stumbled out and borrowed a phone from the first person I met. I called Jennyanydots and we all made it home. I can’t remember ever being more sick than that night. And I was sick a lot growing up, with my constant allergies and propensity for getting the stomach flu.

About a year and a half ago, Jenna started pressuring me to attend church with her. I didn’t want to go, partly because of prior bad experience with church, but mostly because of the agoraphobia I’d developed thanks to the anxiety. She insisted.

The first few weeks going to church, I sat at the back near a door, insisted on taking my own car so I could leave if I got sick… but then a strange thing happened. The more I left the house, the easier it became. I started feeling like I could do other things as well. Then one night I was out in public, and I started thinking about those panic attacks, and wouldn’t you know it, the cold sweat started.

But this time was different. I knew what was happening. I knew I wasn’t really sick. I knew it was all in my head, even though the symptoms had a real physical manifestation. So I took control of my mind. I know that sounds bizarre, but I’m sure there are some of you reading who have had similar problems. I had to intellectually “talk myself” out of having a panic attack. I’ll be darned if it didn’t work. The cold sweat stopped, and I was fine.

By November of last year, I had it so well under control I took a trip to Philly for Rachel’s wedding. Flying, public transportation, crowds of people I don’t know, places I was unfamiliar with… and I was fine. Then in December, we went back again, and once again I was fine. I hadn’t been able to fly without problems for several years. I’d always forced myself to do it, but it was miserable and traumatic, and it would take me a week to get back to normal afterwards.

I could never have managed this honeymoon trip without having it under control. I had four flights, 6 different hotels, lots of unfamiliar settings… but I can honestly say I had no problems. I got a little worried when the airline announced we would have no lavatories for our 3 1/2 hour flight, but even that didn’t get to “panic” level.

I still have better results if I have some semblance of control over my circumstances, but I’m much better able to cope than I was. When I spoke to my doctor about the sudden onset of panic attacks, he told me that he would put money on Lexapro being the culprit. It changes your brain chemistry in the very areas that control mood, and it likely had long-lasting affects.

It sounds bad, but I guess the moral of the story is, if you struggle with panic attacks and anxiety, you really can get back to a normal life, even though you may have to deal with it regularly. It’s a bit like emotional whack-a-mole. I listened to professionals, took the time to understand the triggers of my panic attacks, and I took steps to minimize those. That, along with some simple techniques that some might call meditation and regular massages, and I’m good as new.

The other moral of this story is, don’t take an SSRI unless you absolutely must.

What do you do when life is frustrating? When things don’t go your way? When you have to keep your problems to yourself?

Some people would shut down, melt down, or give up. Some people would try harder. Some people would carry on hoping things would work out.

I am an internalizer. I focus 100% of my stress, frustration, and anger inwards. When I was younger, it wasn’t so bad. I could physically handle it, which is a big part of the deal. I also had less stress. As I’m getting older, my body just can’t hold up to the constant stress of holding everything in.

I’ve been advised that I should get in touch with my feelings and emotions. While I agree this is good advice, I reject the notion that I’m not already “in touch.” I just don’t share. It’s not even that I don’t want to share, but the conditions have to be right, and it has to be someone I know won’t a) laugh their butt off, or b) be mad at me for feeling however I do.

The truth is, I almost never feel comfortable sharing. Strangely, I usually feel pretty comfortable sharing here… odd, since it’s public, but not so odd, considering it’s largely anonymous.

Lately, my internalization has begun causing me health problems. Granted, they’re self-inflicted psychological problems, but guess what… those are as real as they get. I never would have believed any of it before experiencing it. I used to think people who were like me were weak and needed to just “suck it up” and stop worrying.

Uh. No. That doesn’t work.

So, I’m somewhat at a loss, because I know my current status quo is not going to work. Most of my stressors are outside of my control (although some are not), so that’s giving me a feeling of being out of control, which is another feeling I’m not good at dealing with.

But, since it’s out of my control, I guess I’ll just suck it up and shut up. Thanks for letting me bore you.