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The Republic will endure until Congress finds it can bribe the public with the public's money. – Alexis de Tocqueville

Football has become the true American pastime, and it’s very important that everyone understand the rules of the game. Without an understanding, you have no chance at a social life. I’m just saying…

Football is a very simple sport to understand. You start with what is called a “ball” which is not really a ball, because it’s shaped like a… well, I don’t really know what it’s shaped like. It’s not round, that’s for sure. It looks like a ball that Rush Limbaugh used for a cushion and was then poorly sewn back together.

Quarterback: He’s like a back, but only 25% as effective.

Running back: What happens when someone “intercepts” the ball.

Halfback: Like 2 quarterbacks.

Fullback: Like 4 quarterbacks.

Tight end: The only reason that the ladies watch football.

Nose tackle: When a man is grabbed by his face and pulled to the ground.

Receiver: The listening device used by the “coach” to hear the other teams’ plans.

Offensive lineman: Stadium electrician that cusses while he works.

Punt: To give up.

Field goal: What happens when the “quarterback” doesn’t have enough talent to get a “first down.”

Free safety: When the team medical staff gives out free condoms to all of the players.

Cheerleader: Half-naked women that attempt to distract the crowd when the team is losing or make a fantastically stupid play.

Interception: When the quarterback of one team completes a pass to the opposing team.

Sack: What the Chiefs do to Peyton Manning.

Tackle: A technique used by some teams in which the player running with the ball is dragged to the ground. Some teams prefer to make a wild leap just behind the runner, in an attempt to look like they would like to make a tackle.

Pass: What the players do to the cheerleaders.

Huddle: What the crowd does when it is sleeting and 4 degrees below 0.

Peyton Manning: A loudmouthed idiot that has a job because of nepotism.

Holding: When one player grabs another player in an inappropriate manner and tries to get their phone number.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: When the player refuses to give out their phone number, takes off their clothes on the field, takes a hot air balloon ride from the endzone to celebrate their touchdown, punches out another player or the referee, signs autographs during a play, picks their nose and wipes it on another player, urinates on the referee, shoots an opposing player, etc.

Fumble: What Peyton Manning does when he gets “sacked.”

Coach: Man that yells through his headset and is ignored by the quarterback. Also the man that ignores common sense and the crowd, all of which would tell him it’s not a good idea to run up the middle on 3rd and 10.

Tailgate: Where fans get drunk so they can enjoy the game even when their team gets spanked.

Referee: Man wearing prison garb that ignores all infractions by the opposing team, while nitpicking the bejeezus out of our team.

Touchdown: What happens when Priest Holmes gets the ball.

And, the team with the most points at the end of 60 minutes wins. Simple really.

I hope this clears it up for those of you that somehow managed to miss out on the fundamentals of being an American (i.e. “women”). Thanks for tuning in.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 20th, 2004 at 5:00 AM and is filed under Complex Made Simple, Girls Drool, Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.