Is There A “Right Time” to Have Kids?
You know, I’m feeling old these days. I’m officially in my 30’s, and that’s just weird. I always figured I’d be married by 21 and have kids by 23. Now at 31, I’m a newlywed not even thinking kids yet.
Now Jenna, on the other hand, is ready for kids. All of her friends have kids, and I suppose it’s the normal, natural thing for people our age.
I have always said I wanted to be debt free before I have kids… I don’t want to make having a kid any more stressful than it is by struggling to pay the bills. But then I think about the fact that I always tried to do things at the “right” time.
I’m not so sure that much in life really has a “right time.” Wrong time, yes. But for example, I didn’t want to get married till I finished school. Now, I wonder why. I mean, I could have just as easily finished school married as I did not married. What the heck difference did it make?
I have a tendency to defer good things until I get all of the conceivable bad things taken care of first. Delayed gratification can be a good thing in some cases. For example, when I eat my dinner, I eat my least favorite thing first so I can end on a high note. Does that translate to big life decisions?
That’s the million dollar question.
On the one side, I’ve seen many broke people have kids and really struggle. On the other hand, I’ve seen many couple have kids with absolutely no game plan and had things work out fine.
I’m not sure if it’s a matter of preparation as much as it is a matter of being the type of person who makes good decisions. I make good decisions now without having kids, what makes me think I’d suddenly stop making good decisions if I did have kids?
Of course, it makes sense to wait until we can reasonably live on a single income, because Jenna will want to be home with kids once we start. So today probably isn’t the best time, but… maybe next year?
All I’m saying is maybe “debt free” is a pointless goal with respect to having kids. I’d feel pretty stupid if I deferred something good so long that it was no longer possible…
:/
Pete,
I completely understand. Raising children is no small thing. It’s a BIG decision and it warrants serious thought and discussion. It’s not a new pair of shoes we’re talking about here. It’s flesh and blood you’re responsible for 24/7 decades to come.
Yeesh.
To answer your question (is there a ‘right time’), I don’t believe there is a right time. The only reason something is ‘right’ to someone is because it *feels* right. There really are no absolutes when it comes to picking a time to have kids. The ‘right time’ is relative and that’s the way it should be. i proposed and married the love of my life within the same year because I believed with all my heart that it was the right thing to do and the right time to do it. And NO ONE could tell me otherwise. Again, it’s relative. You know it’s time when you know it’s time. I understand your desire to be debt free but, honestly, it sounds like you’re trying to postpone the inevitable with that reasoning. Having less debt, being more financially stable, is certainly one thing but debt free?
The more important question to ask yourself isn’t when to have kids but whether or not you want any at all. Your mind can work out all the details (when to do it, what name(s) to use, what colors to paint the baby room, etc.) but if your heart isn’t into it then it just won’t happen. That being said, if you want kids, really and truly, then I believe *any* time is the ‘right time.’ You just find a way to make it work.
Proposing to Rachel in May of ‘07 and then marrying her less than 6 months later was fast work but it wasn’t ‘rushed’ as some people said. It wasn’t rushed because of how badly I wanted to get on with my life with Rachel in it. I felt like those few months were almost a delay if anything. The most important thing was my clear desire to marry her. Period. It wasn’t a question of when. It was simply a matter of ‘do I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.’ Obviously, the answer was and still is Yes.
Before we got engaged, I needed to know if she wanted kids. She initially didn’t want them but then reconsidered because of a change of heart. She made a compromise and so did I. We agreed to have one of our own and to also adopt one. Fine arrangement in my opinion. All I needed to know is if she wanted to raise a family at all. She did/does. Done deal. Now, any time we decide to have little Fockers will be the ‘right time.’ So you know, I believe you and Jenna will make fine parents yourselves. No pressure, just sharing my thoughts. Honest.
We’re now back to the most important question: Do you want kids at all?
Don’t think of it as the ‘right’ time, think of it as a better time to have kids. No matter how many books you read or friends of kids you talk to you are NEVER fully prepared for parenthood. Have you discussed HOW you’ll be raising the kids? Things like religion, discipline, what each of you expects of the other as a supporting parent. For instance, I mistook my husband’s desire for children as his desire to actually help me with stuff like changing diapers. I didn’t know until after Jr was born that he felt that was all the mother’s ‘job’.
Good luck and remember: all the fun is in making the baby!
Pete, there’s no right time to have kids. You just have em and work the rest out later. If people waited for the right time, the human race would die out entirely. There is no right time. There are a few spectacularly wrong times though… like 2 years after your husband’s vasectomy… or while still a student…in junior high school…or while you’re a nun… you get the picture.
I disappeared into secondlife for a long time, but I have recovered. I checked back into real life. I watched your wedding videos and looked at all your pics. Nice wedding! I’ll bet you and Jenna will make pretty kids.